By Adam Tokarz
Whether you’re a serious golf fan that’s major-ly excited for this week’s action at Augusta, or you’re simply enthralled with the salacious tabloid storyline associated with one Mr. Tiger Woods, the upcoming Masters tournament provides the pitch-perfect opportunity for everyone to sink into an arm chair, grab an ice cold brew, and watch the magic unfold.
Here at DRAFTMag.com, we’ve taken time out of our busy schedule (those Pokemon cards won’t count themselves!) to compile a “top of the leaderboard” craft brew list that you can enjoy from the comfort of your Laz-E-Boy.
Samuel Smith Organic Ale: A “green” craft beer, this USDA-approved organic ale represents the prize jacket awarded each year to the Master’s champion, the perfectly clipped Augustan greens, and the seething envy emenating from the runner-up.
Magic Hat’s Fat Angel: Although this craft brew with citrusy hops is currently enjoying retirement (most likely, playing shuffleboard while drinking Maalox and mint juleps in Boca Raton), the comparison to 2009 Masters’ winner Angel Cabrera is too perfect to pass up. A ruddy-faced Argentinian with a Roseanne rotundness, Cabrera may be playing with more dimples than a sleeve of Callaway CB1 Reds, but he’s earned the right. The man’s donned the coveted green jacket, so he’s allowed to idulge in a craft beer or… 18.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Fraught with its own history (selected as America’s Best in 1893), this hipster-trendy drink of choice pairs perfectly with the prime rib served at The Champions dinner, a Tuesday night tradition inaugurated by Ben Hogan and reserved for past champions and chosen board members of the Augusta National Golf Club only.Â Rumor has it that before Phil Mickelson’s victory in 2005, Lefty was continually sneaking into the soiree disguised as a waiter, but his poor decision-making in crunch time (did Olazabal order the meat or the fish?!) made him stand out worse than John Daly at a vegan buffet.
Sixpoint Sweet Action: Nothing’s sweeter than the taste of victory, but this American blonde ale is a fitting tribute to “Golden Bear” Jack Nicklaus, who won six times at Augusta from 1963 to 1986, the highest win total in Masters’ history.
DRAFTMagazine.com has also included a “Tiger’s Tail of the Tap” section, because we’re morally and contractually obligated to mention the four-time winner in association with the Masters (and we’re pushovers when it comes to poking fun at a falling star).
Owyhee Amber Ale: “Owyhee” is what Tiger yelled when Elin went all Albert Pujols on his face, breaking two teeth (allegedly), splitting his lip, and shattering his will (along with the windows of his Escalade) to live (and by live, we mean, well, read the tabloids).
Seeyoulator: We predict Elin will channel this cedar-aged Dopplebock after Tiger finishes T-10 at The Masters by filing for divorce, collecting a sizeable separation settlement, packing up the children in Louis Vouitton vintage trunks, and whisking them away to Sweden, where she’ll settle down on her $2 million Steve Zissou island and marry a foreign hotelier.
Freeminer Deep Shaft Stout: Does this 6.2 percent ABV seasonal stout even need a joke? According to several mistresses, Tiger’s prowess “extended” well beyond the manicured bounds of Augusta National, popping up in between the sheets at destination hotels throughout the country (with select “g’day” appearances in Australia as well).Rumor has it that Tiger carried quite the driver in the bedroom (and his short game was nothing to sneeze at, either).
Bitch Creek: Tiger’s got 99 problems, including (but not limited to): 16 scorned ex-lovers, a broken family, a 45-day sex rehab stint, lost endorsement deals, hush money cover-ups, and a receding hairline. Did $750 million ever sound so unattractive? But, to be fair, Tiger said during a recent press conference that he’s now turning to his Buddhist upbringing to rediscover “the righteous path.” And by “righteous path,” of course he means Joselyn James’ landing strip. A tiger can’t be expected to change his stripes, can he?
Arrogant Bastard Ale: While watching the Masters, take a sip of this amber ale with a pleasant beige head whenever Tiger answers a question with, “It’s personal. I’d like you to respect the privacy of my family.” Oh, really? Maybe you should have thought about your family before you started sticking your breakfast sausage in a Perkins waitress at 5:30 a.m. in a church parking lot.
Old Knucklehead: Tiger’s eventual nickname when he joins the Champion’s tour in 2030. The term of endearment will be given to him by Golf Channelâ€˜s Charlie Rymer (between sniffles, of course) when Woods takes a 50-year-old female clubhouse attendant into the trees off 15 for a racuous romp, then birdies out to win his 12th Masters.
– Adam Tokarz is a Boston-based freelance writer who thinks the legal drinking age for root beer should be raised to 21. He can be reached at adam.tokarz(at)gmail.com.