Beer Jokes: The Funniest Quips You’ve Probably Never Heard Before

Beer Jokes a guy telling a joke to a bartenderBeer jokes are best told around friends after they’ve got a few bottles in them. It makes for some of the best memories, and you might just catch yourself laughing for days, maybe even weeks, after you’ve heard a good joke. If you’re ever in need of a rib-cracking joke to get everyone laughing, we’ve got you. Our list of 60 funniest jokes will help you create more memorable happy hours.

The Funniest Beer Jokes That Will Go Down Well

Here is a list of the funniest bar jokes about beer to tell for a hoppier, happier time out with friends.

1. A guy was known for coming into the bar every Friday to order just three bottles of beer. He’d sit alone at a table and have his beers all by himself. After a few weeks, the bartender becomes curious and decides to ask the guy why he does this.

The guy tells the bartender that he had two best friends who used to be his drinking buddies until they moved to other parts of the country, and they’ve since kept the tradition of drinking a bottle on behalf of each other. The bartender nods in satisfaction at the idea. One day, the guy strolls into the bar and orders just two beers.

The bartender serves the beers with a look of sadness. He offers some words of condolences, and the man is surprised. He asks the bartender why he is offering his condolences, and the bartender replies that something must have happened to one of the friends, which is why he’s only drinking two beers. The man then replied, grinning,Oh, it’s Easter, and I’m giving up drinking until after the season.

2. What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? The difference is that beer nuts cost about a dollar fifty while deers nuts are under a buck.

3. One of the biggest mistakes is looking at a half bottle of drink as being empty. Instead, think of it as being halfway to the next bottle.

4. There’s a saying that friends bring happiness to your life. Well, best friends sure do bring a beer.

5. People say you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a bottle. That’s right! Who’d be happy having an empty bottle of beer?

6. Once, a married couple decided to go shopping for essentials on a tight budget. The husband then picks a pack of beer, and the wife lashes out, telling him they were only shopping for essentials. After a while, the wife picks a beauty cream from the counter and places it in the cart. The man reminded the wife that they were shopping for only essentials.

Well, the cream is essential because it makes me look beautiful,” the woman replied. So is the beer, honey, the man replied. “I mean, it also makes me see how beautiful you are, and it doesn’t cost as much as the cream.

7. A neutron once walked into a bar and asked for the price of a beer. The bartender smiles and replies, Oh, you don’t have to worry about a charge.

8. Once I came home to find that my wife had left a note on the refrigerator door that read, “This isn’t working. I’m going over to my mum’s.” I opened the fridge and discovered the light was on and my favorite beer was cold. I shut the fridge with a sigh of relief. She surely doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

9. The CEOs of four major beer companies walk into a bar.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light

The CEO of Guinness orders a coke.

The other three CEOs looked at him with confusion. “Why aren’t you ordering your beer brand?” He looks at them and smiles. If you all aren’t having beers, neither am I.

10. Once, an amnesiac walked up to a beautiful woman at the bar and asked, Hello, do I come here often?

11. A bear walks into a bar and sits. “What would you like? the bartender asked.” I’d like to order a… beer, ” he finally says.” Why the long pause? ” the bartender asked. The bear sighed,I don’t know. I’ve just always been born with them, he replied.

12. A Roman enters a bar and holds up two fingers. His words were,give me five beers.

13. Wanna know something? IPA lot when I drink beer.

14. People should know that they can’t always make anyone happy. They’re not beer.

15. Most people don’t know there’s a lot of similarity between life and beer. You have to chill to get the best results.

16. A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much a beer would cost. “$1“, the bartender replies. Baffled, the man orders a beer and then asks how much an entire meal would cost, complete with dessert. The bartender replies, “$5“.

The man is completely amazed and orders a fancy meal. Once he’s done, he walks up to the bartender and says, “This is such a nice establishment. I wish I could meet the owner”. The bartender looks at him and replies, well, he’s upstairs with my wife.

The man is completely taken aback and asks in confusion, “What is he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replies,Same thing I’m doing with his business.

17. Guess what Santa Claus drinks to get drunk? Of course, a polar beer!

18. Here’s one hilarious beer fact. You can turn root beer into a regular beer. How? Simply pour into a square glass.

19. What’s one superpower that beer gives you? Great dancing skills!

20. One way to know a great beer is if it tastes like you’re not going to work tomorrow.

21. One hilarious beer fact that most people don’t know is that beers are salads. How? Beers are made of hops, and hops are basically plants.

22. People always pick alcoholic beer over non-alcoholic beers because drinking non-alcoholic beer is like incest. It feels the same but just isn’t right.

23. A girl walks into a bar and orders a beer. She leaned closer on her stool and whispered conspiratorially to the bartender. “I just got an anonymous gift for Valentine’s Day, and I think it’s from Kanye West”. Surprised, the bartender asks,” how do you know it’s from Kanye?” She laughs hard.” It’s easy to know. It has bad wrapping.

24. A snake slithered into a bar and requested a beer. The bartender looked at it and replied, “we can’t serve you a beer. ” The snake was enraged. “Why?” it asked. The bartender replies, Well, you obviously can’t hold your drink.

25. A man enters a bar and screams, “Give me a beer before the problem starts.” The order takes his request and gives him a beer. He keeps saying the same words until he gets to his fifth beer bottle. The bartender gets confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these?” The man replies, Now the problems have started.

26. There’s a chance that you’re dehydrated if your pee looks like beer. If it looks like Bud Light, you’re good.

27. A man was alone at the bar drinking when a beautiful woman walked up to him. She whispered in his ear, “You look so lonely. With $100, I’ll do anything you want me to“. The man stared at her, sipped his beer, and dropped a $100 bill on the table. Paint my house.

28. What’s one thing you should never say to a cop? “Hold my beer while I grab my license.”

29. People always tell me, But beer doesn’t even have any vitamins. That’s why I drink lots of it.

30. A man spent a long time at the bar drinking. He checked his wristwatch and realized it was quite late. “Wow, I need to get home right now, or my wife would be really mad at me, he said and tried to get up, only for him to fall hard. “I’m just too drunk. I need something to sober up.

He requests a coffee from the bartender, and after drinking it, he decides to get up and falls again, quite harder than the last time. I have to get home no matter what, With that, he started to crawl back home. After long minutes, he finally gets home and crawls in bed, close to his wife, and promptly falls asleep.

The next day, his wife starts complaining, “I hope you had a lot of fun getting drunk all night.” The man decided to lie and replied, “That’s not it. I only had a few bottles of beer“. The wife snorts and replies sarcastically,Yeah, right. Anyway, the bar owner called. Apparently, you left your wheelchair behind.

31. What’s better than bacon? BEER, of course.

32. People need to understand that there’s no beer in heaven. That’s why we drink it here.

Beer Jokes two girls telling beer jokes33. Contrary to what most people think, a beer can solve your problems… for the night.

34. Once I was in a bar, and two plump women walked in, speaking with an accent I had never heard. So I walked up to them and asked, Hi, are you ladies from Scotland?. One of them turned and looked at me with anger, “Of course, we’re Wales! ” Then I innocently asked,are you whales from Scotland? and that was the last thing I remembered.

35. Guess what the bartender asked after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? He asked, Olive or Twist?”

36. I once saw a homeless man on the street. I moved to where he was and held out $20. “If I gave you this money, would you use it for a bottle of beer?” He said, “no.” Then I said, If I give you this $20, would you rather buy hunting gear? He said no.

Then I told him, “Wow, that’s great. I’d even do something nicer. I’ll take you home, have you cleaned, and have my wife prepare a nice meal for you.” He was surprised and asked, “Won’t your wife get mad?I laughed and told him not to worry about that.

I just want my wife to see what happens to someone the moment they stop drinking beer or hunting.

37. What is the definition of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

38. What reggae song did the beer sing on the beach? “Don’t worry. Be hoppy.”

39. I hate lying. But there’s one thing I hate more than lying: Bud Light. Why? It’s just water lying about being a beer.

40. Someone once asked me if I had a superpower. Of course, I do. I make beers disappear.

41. A man sits alone, drinking a beer in a bar when a nun walks up to him. “You’re a sinner. The Lord doesn’t love you because you’re a drunk.” she said. The man replies, I was only going to drink just one bottle. Besides, you can’t know drinking is that bad if you’ve never tasted it.

Well, drinking a little always leads to drinking more, which is a sin.” the nun insists.

You never can tell if you don’t try it,” the man says. “You have a point. I guess a glass wouldn’t hurt. However, I’d like it to be served in a mug so people don’t start talking.” the nun says.

The man then walks up to the bartender and requests that beer be served in a mug. The bartender smiles and says, Let me guess, it’s that nun again, isn’t it?

42. One would think that by now, the beer should know enough to come out of the store when I honk.

43. The hardest part of being a bartender is that you find it hard to figure out who’s drunk or who’s just being plain stupid.

44. Two men in a lifeboat are stuck in the middle of the ocean. While going through their supplies, one stumbles upon an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie appears and asks them to make just one wish. Out of excitement, one of the men asks that the ocean become beer.

The genie grants the wish, and the ocean is suddenly beer. The other man looks at the one who made the wish with a snarl on his face and says, Dummy, I guess we’ll have to start peeing in the boat.

45. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks, he gets an urgent call. Scared of someone drinking his beer, he spits in it and leaves a note that says, “I spit in my beer,” and steps out. After a while, he gets back to his seat and discovers someone has added something to his note. He peered at the paper closely and sees, “I spit in your beer too.

46. I just discovered a simple home Covid test procedure. First of all, open a can of beer and try to smell it. If you can smell the beer, drink it to be sure you can taste it. If you can smell and taste the beer, you don’t have Covid.

So far, I’ve done this test about 10 times last night, and all results were negative. However, I woke up with a serious headache and was quite nervous. Hopefully, it’s not Covid. I’d have to try the test again tonight.

47.Funny Beer Jokes A man walks into a bar and screams, “Free beers outside!” and everyone drinking runs out. The bartender is visibly very angry at the man. “Look what you’ve done! Now I don’t have any customers.

The man looks remorseful and says to the bartender, “I’m sorry about that. I honestly didn’t think these men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly bear, what more several bears.

48. A blind man once walked into a Blondes Only bar. He asked the bartender for a beer and whispered, “Do you want to hear a very funny joke about blondes?” The bartender replies, “I’m a 200-pound blond bartender. There’s a blond biker behind you, a blond black belt fighter at your right, and a blond bodybuilder at your left. Are you sure you still want to tell your blonde joke?” The blind man replies, Never mind. I don’t want to explain the joke four times.

49. There’s a beer prayer. Have you ever wondered what it is? Here you go: Our Lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk) at home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us for our spillage, as we forgive those who spilled against us, but deliver us from hangovers. And lead us not into incarcerations, for thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

50. My friends think I need therapy. I don’t need therapy. All I need is a bottle of beer or two.

51. A very drunk man came back home very late. As he stepped in, he heard the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times to signify it was 3 am. He immediately thought about cuckooing nine more times to make his sleeping wife think it was just midnight. He did that and immediately went to sleep close to his wife.

The next day, the wife asked, “When did you get back home?” He said midnight. She snickered. “That’s great. I think we need to get a new cuckoo clock, though. From what I recall, the clock cuckooed three times, paused and cuckooed three more times, and then said shit! Cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice, and then started giggling

52. Almost every weekend, I say to myself: “Bob, you need to stop drinking too much beer.Thank goodness I’m not Bob, though.

53. Isn’t it weird that people say having a beer belly is bad, but having a six-pack is great?

54. Trust me. A beer can cure all your ale-ments.

55. Alcohol isn’t always the answer to every problem. But it sure does make you forget the question.

56. I’m one of the few people that strongly believe in second chances. If this beer doesn’t get me drunk, I’ll just get the second one.

57. Whenever my friends ask if I want to play beer pong, my answer is always: anytime, anywhere, all day, and every day.

58. One time, a duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and repeats, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies angrily, I already told you we don’t sell peanuts. The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!” Now the bartender is very angry and yells back, “I told you, we don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall! The duck leaves.

Yet again, the next day, the duck walks into the bar, and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender is totally surprised and says calmly, “Sorry, we don’t have nails here” The duck asks, Alright then, do you have any peanuts?

59. One time, a manager and some of his workers decided to have a meeting with their superior at a bar. While at the bar, the workers ordered bottles of beer. The superior was appalled and said to the manager, “Do you know your workers drink?” The manager smiled and said, I never knew they drank until the day they came to the office sober.

60. An Irish man was sick for a long time and decided to see his doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor said he had cancer and had between weeks and a month to live. The Irish man stepped outside the office to meet his son, who was waiting. Quite brightly he said, The doctor says I have cancer and have a few weeks to live. Let’s get something to drink.

The Irish man and his son went to a bar and ordered a couple of beers. After a while, his friends came in and saw the man. They came over to the table, and the Irish man told them, “My doctor says I have AIDS and a few weeks to live, so I’m here with my son, drinking to my end.The friends joined in the drinking and sympathized with him.

When they left, the son asked his father in confusion, “But you told me the doctor said you had cancer.” The man laughed and replied, I said I had AIDS because I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mum when I’m gone.

Conclusion

Beer Jokes A guy telling a beer jokeWe hope you enjoyed this list of funny quips! Before you start regaling your friends with new-found funnies, here are a few tips:

  • Long jokes might need you to memorize too much info, so you might want to start with one-liners first.
  • Delivery is everything, feel free to practice the jokes before telling them.
  • You don’t have to be a standup comedian to tell the funniest beer joke at any beer gathering.

Our list of 60 funniest jokes to tell is a valuable piece to help you have an awesome moment with friends and family, and these rib-cracking jokes are witty and just right for a beer hangout. Have fun telling the best beer jokes and having everyone laughing hard at your next beer party!

5/5 - (18 votes)
Draft Mag

Leave a Comment